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How to Waste Money on Roller Derby

Feeling cashy lately? Want to waste money on roller derby? It’s super easy to do! Follow these tips, and you’ll be clearing out your checking account in no time.

Buy skates without getting fitted or consulting a professional

Skates are in men’s sizes, and they’re not supposed to fit like shoes, but go ahead and make your best guess as to what size to get and what brand will suit you. They’ll probably be close(ish) to sorta fitting!

Buy crappy gear, especially knee pads

Your pads will slip repeatedly, and you will replace them. Boom. There goes $35. You’re welcome.

Convince your team to get several new uniforms every year

Obviously, you need a new uniform every year. Why not get a few colors? And matching helmets? And matching socks? And get special shirts made up. How about special shirts made up for a second-half outfit change EVERY BOUT? (All joking aside, you probably do need/REALLY WANT a lot of this stuff, so prioritize, people.)

Buy a t-shirt from every league you come across

Precious memories, sitting in a drawer. Weird how you can go through so many clothes in a week, yet you can barely make a dent in that derby t-shirt stash.

Drink only bottled water

Or, buy a really fancy water bottle and neglect to wash it weeks at a time until it’s so disgusting it can’t be saved.

Don’t clean your stuff, ever

Just buy new bearings and wheels and skates and wrist guards when you reach the end of your rope.

Take as many supplements as possible with minimal research

Did someone suggest some important-sounding supplement, even though you just met them? Better run out and buy it in bulk. That goes for protein powder, too. You’ll find out later if you hate it or if it makes you break out in hives. Wanna go out for a smoothie? Have you tried Guarana? What are electrolytes? I don’t know, but they’re completely awesome!

Don’t put your name on your stuff

Do not mark your skate tool with your name, but do leave it at your bench during scrimmage. Keep chatting it up after practice – you probably got both wrist guards in your bag.

Buy as many new wheels as possible, but do not try them beforehand

Your buddy likes the newest and shiniest thing, so you probably will, too. You’ve been meaning to get another pair that will work well for concrete, because you have two sets you use that you like OKAY but aren’t perfect. Keep chasing that dragon. Never sell or trade.

Don’t show up to practice

People pay for gym memberships and never go. Paying roller derby dues cost the same, if not less, and it makes for a better conversation starter at parties.

Don’t do any planning for your derby trip

Just go with the flow! You’ll be with your buddies, so it’ll all work out.

 

How do you blow your roller derby budget?

 

Frisky loves manatees.by Frisky Sour

Frisky Sour wrote Roller Derby for Beginners.

This post first appeared on little anecdote but I tried to make it better.